I'm not doing too good today.  Maybe its just that I'm tired.  I don't think that's it though.  Let's be honest.  I've not been doing well over the last week.  But today, today I got to the point where I felt like my insides were screaming out to people for help but the fall on deaf ears.  I can't express how I'm feeling.  I just know that when I start to think about my situation my breathing goes into panic speed.  I know it shouldn't be a big deal but it is.  Finding an apartment in a few short 2 weeks is a HUGE deal.  Its making a gigantic decision on where to live for the next year.  Another year of life decided.  I hate contracts and commitments.  Especially when they lock in another 12 months of going at life alone.  I know I'm not alone and alone, but it feels that way.  I dealt with the feeling of loneliness with the hope that it would go away in time--that it was just temporary.  I'm starting to feel like this is the beginning of the future for me and its time to just except that I will always be alone, I will never own a home of my own and I will always live with debt and little savings.  I know...its very Debbie downer of me to say.  I'm sorry.  I'm venting.  I'm being honest.  I've been wanting to go to God with my troubles but I've been just so dumbfounded by all of this, that I just haven't known how.  Today I finally broke down while driving around town.  I turned off the music in my car and for a moment sat in silence.  I tried to pray but the words couldn't come out.  I couldn't start.  When I got ready to speak, the tears of distress took over and my words were barely audible.  I just keep thinking of the verse in Romans about Jesus interceding for us with words we cannot express.  That verse is probably one of the key verses that I live by.  Sometimes I just cannot get out what I'm feeling.  My peace comes in knowing that Jesus can speak on my behalf.  He knows my heart and He can speak my prayer when I am all out of energy, when I'm all out of hope.  He has to be my hope and my strength.  I am useless and weak without Him.  Jesus I feel alone.  Jesus I feel scared.  Jesus I don't see your purpose in all of this.  I don't want to doubt and I don't want to be bitter or angry.  I don't want to take out my fears on others.  I don't want to let my sadness take over.  I can't just not do this without you.  I can't do this.  I am out of strength.  Speak on my behalf and give me the strength I can't muster myself.