Living His journey for me one step at a time

2008-11-07T19:35:00.000-08:00

2008-03-22T20:35:00.001-07:00

I'm not doing too good today. Maybe its just that I'm tired. I don't think that's it though. Let's be honest. I've not been doing well over the last week. But today, today I got to the point where I felt like my insides were screaming out to people for help but the fall on deaf ears. I can't express how I'm feeling. I just know that when I start to think about my situation my breathing goes into panic speed. I know it shouldn't be a big deal but it is. Finding an apartment in a few short 2 weeks is a HUGE deal. Its making a gigantic decision on where to live for the next year. Another year of life decided. I hate contracts and commitments. Especially when they lock in another 12 months of going at life alone. I know I'm not alone and alone, but it feels that way. I dealt with the feeling of loneliness with the hope that it would go away in time--that it was just temporary. I'm starting to feel like this is the beginning of the future for me and its time to just except that I will always be alone, I will never own a home of my own and I will always live with debt and little savings. I know...its very Debbie downer of me to say. I'm sorry. I'm venting. I'm being honest. I've been wanting to go to God with my troubles but I've been just so dumbfounded by all of this, that I just haven't known how. Today I finally broke down while driving around town. I turned off the music in my car and for a moment sat in silence. I tried to pray but the words couldn't come out. I couldn't start. When I got ready to speak, the tears of distress took over and my words were barely audible. I just keep thinking of the verse in Romans about Jesus interceding for us with words we cannot express. That verse is probably one of the key verses that I live by. Sometimes I just cannot get out what I'm feeling. My peace comes in knowing that Jesus can speak on my behalf. He knows my heart and He can speak my prayer when I am all out of energy, when I'm all out of hope. He has to be my hope and my strength. I am useless and weak without Him. Jesus I feel alone. Jesus I feel scared. Jesus I don't see your purpose in all of this. I don't want to doubt and I don't want to be bitter or angry. I don't want to take out my fears on others. I don't want to let my sadness take over. I can't just not do this without you. I can't do this. I am out of strength. Speak on my behalf and give me the strength I can't muster myself.

What does this mean?

2008-01-24T22:14:00.000-08:00

I'm left with an unsettling feeling that who I am isn't good enough anymore. Well, that's how I should always feel though, right? I mean, as Christians we are to to always be looking to attain a character that is more Christ-like. Now this isn't one of those, tell me how good I am kinda posts. No, its a realization that God must be doing something great. That is exciting....and all together, well, scary. If I've been praying for a change, the next step is for me to have the willingness for it to happen. Its one thing for us to talk about being better people: reading our Bible more, giving to the poor, volunteering, praying more, being a better sister, friend, employee, etc. but to do it? That takes courage, a step of faith, and a bit of uneasiness. As I began to share my stories of Ecuador with people, I noticed one of the things I always dropped in conversation was, "I'd move there if I could." I said this rather haphazardly as I knew full well that I wasn't really sure that this was true. I mean, have everyday like Quito '08? Yes, yes that I believe I would love to live day in and day out. But move to Ecuador? Now that isn't necessarily true. Not that it isn't an amazing country, but I realize that moving somewhere like that requires leaving family, friends, my first language and all things comfortable. But, as I began to say it more frequently and evaluate just what I was saying, I realized that maybe I wasn't being as dishonest as I thought. The longer I am back, the more I realize just what a blessing living in Ecuador could be, or at least, to a life I could imagine in my head. Oh to get away from the focus on schedules and time, to hear less about celebrity gossip and how drunk people were this weekend and how "awesome it was", to be around people who really don't care how much you make, who don't know what a Coach bag is, and to eat simply when your hungry and eat what is served rather than getting fat on the next fast food just cause it "sounds good." There is a great collision when I begin to evaluate my American life with the call that I know Jesus placed upon my life. How do I live with myself? How do I change my lifestyle? How do I make this real as opposed to just talk? I'm tired of talk but I'm also soooo scared, if I'm honest, about doing more than just talking. I know that to be used and to seek change, is to be closer to God, to be a more Godly woman and to hear and know my Savior more intimately, but I'm also well aware of how scary that can actually become. I have been thinking about the lyrics to "Take it All" from Hillsong United. Anyone from Quito '08 is well aware of the lyrics. As I began to evaluate them closer, I began to realize that while these lyrics were my prayer, they were definitely not true of my lifestyle:

"I'll only ever give my all" and "I'll never be ashamed of you"

While I wish that both of these statements were true of my life, I know that they just aren't. If I were giving my all, I'd own far less possessions and I'd spend far more time off Facebook and far more time in my Bible and in prayer. And if I weren't ashamed, I would boldly share about my love of Jesus to my coworkers and friends. I'd tell them that Jesus means far more to me than anyone or anything in this world. I'd tell them of my great gift of salvation and grace and I'd plead for them to understand that a sinful life without Christ is certain death. I wouldn't back down. I'd be bold and fearless. This is my goal. This is my prayer. But, this is certainly not true of my life.

When we really and truly begin to look at just what Jesus asks of us, we see that its not easy or comfortable. It doesn't easily fit into an offering basket and it can't be done in one prayer. While our salvation is simply accepting Christ's gift of grace and believing that He is Savior and that He died on the cross for our sins, He asks us to not just to love Him but to love others. God's showing me just how much I miss the mark. I loose my temper too much, I say inappropriate things sometimes and watch and do the wrong things, I don't share His love with people like I should, I don't work everyday like I'm working for Him, I don't go out of my way to help the hurting or the poor, I don't love my enemy as myself, and I'm not always virtuous. As I see these things, my acuity for grace becomes more clear and my desire to be one step closer to these things abounds.

Oh Lord change my heart to be in tune with yours.

"Take my life and form it, take my mind and transform it, take my will and conform it...to yours oh Lord"

2008-01-18T10:08:00.001-08:00

I've been trying to come up with another descriptive way to describe the way I'm feeling right now, other than "a swollen heart," but that is all that seems to come to mind. I think that I've learned more now that I'm back from Ecuador than when I was there. Or, rather, maybe I've just for once, put what I've learned into practice. Well, I'm trying to. Twice there were talks during my trip about endurance in our Christian walk. I realized, that that would be where I most often falter. Not in believing, but in my endurance to keep growing and learning. I get too comfortable where I am in my faith. I say I want to be challenged, but then if I'm honest with myself, I see that I keep God at arms-length so that he won't ask me to be or do something different than what I am. Another question that was presented that keeps coming up in my head is, "how often do you read the Bible....more importantly, how often do you read the Bible and it changes you?". I realized that I wasn't being changed. I was letting the words of scripture lay dormant on the page. I wasn't letting them come to life or even trying to ask myself how the words could apply to me. I thought I was, but I really wasn't because I wasn't putting my heart where I mentally said I wanted it to be. I began reading a book called Discipleship by Elizabeth Elliott since I got home. She brings up some challenging points that are making me realize that I've been quite lazy lately, and that laziness has crept its way into every orifice of my being. I think that it has been because of the crazy schedule I have, or had at least, over the past couple of years. When I was in grad school and working two jobs, everything else got thrown to the wayside. I'm seeing now that it is time I regain ownership of my life....or rather, I need to give it over to God and what I do in my life, be done for His glory and primarily with His purposes in mind.

Natalie has been gone the past week in Paris. While it has been lonely at times, it has been good because it has forced me to put into practice what I learned since my trip. I don't want this to be a mountain top experience, I want it to change me. I want to not be afraid of what people think and I want to be fearless in sharing the love of Christ with others.

I love Jesus dangit! And I'm tired of keeping that a secret from the whole world! I don't want to be ashamed!

Caution: Exploding Heart

2008-01-16T21:31:00.000-08:00

Love LOVE LOVE this song! We sang it in Ecuador and it's just been in my heart and on my mind since. Once in awhile a song just speaks the words your heart can't seem to mutter. My trip to Ecuador renewed my love for my Savior. In the chaos of this world its easy to lose sight of our purpose. The kingdom of God is beautiful and strong when brothers and sisters work in tandem for the glory of His name!

Came To The Rescue

by Hillsong United

album:

Falling on my knees in worship Giving all I am to seek Your face Lord all I am is Yours  My whole life I place in Your hands God of mercy Humbled I bow down In Your presence at Your throne  I called You answered And You came to my rescue and I I wanna be where You are  In my life Be lifted high In our world Be lifted high In our love Be lifted high

2007-12-07T05:34:00.000-08:00

So its 7:34 am. If you know me at all, you know I'm only up at 7:34 am 1 day a week and that's for work. I'm not supposed to be at work today, so why am I up? For most people being up at 7:34 am is normal. But I'm a night person. I never go to bed before 1 and if I can help it, I try to avoid being up at 7:34 am. Maybe its that I'm all caught up on sleep or maybe, maybe its because I have a lot on my mind.

I'm thinking about fear and honesty. Both go hand-and-hand yet, one can easily prevent the other from ever existing. Depending on which you allow to be the master, or choose to be the controlling agent in situations, makes all the difference in your character and life experiences. If you let fear control you, its quite possible that you will never, if rarely, truly be honest with anyone. The fear will be so great that you'll live in its shadow, and will forever keep all honest thought so beneath the surface, it may, I believe, completely destroy you.

Then there's honesty. It has a beauty to its balance and when I think of honesty, it seems to go hand-in-hand in intimacy, in vulnerability, and in love. But it too can destroy if its not founded in these elements. For instance, if you are completely honest with people 100% of the time about how you feel, what you think of them, etc. your prejudices and potential false pretenses can completely destroy another's character. This could lead to either their honesty driven by anger or their hurt pairing with fear; a substance developing a character of self-destruction.

To everything their must be balance. Have I achieved such equality of weight between my fears and that which I am honest about? My fears have kept me from doing a lot of potential good and missing out on once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. Fear has kept me in a little girl state with some of my behaviors. Fear has often stolen my self-confidence.

Right now though, I'm thinking about the exposing nature of honesty. I think that its rare that we expose the "whole truth and nothing but the truth" because that could, potentially, leave us completely robbed inside. But in an intimate relationship, a relationship that should be centered around complete love and trust, shouldn't honesty have nothing but a pure motive attached? I believe that if we were to be completely honesty and that honesty be purely love-driven, without any trace of pride, we would reach our greatest understanding of Godly love. Initially their would be bleeding and pain; like pulling up a dirty rug to expose a battered wood floor. But then, with nurture and care to that floor, its old character would return. The floor would look and be all that it was intended to be. We would be the being that God breathed life into and said that it was good.

But for now, I'm feeling like maybe, maybe that's only in a perfect world and my fears and pride are keeping me a battered floor, covered in human flesh--my dirty old rug. And feeling quite bare for that which I've exposed.

This reminds me of one of my favorite Bethany Dillon songs. Its lyrics are just, wow:

This house is echoing

With the sound of You knocking at the door

But with three locks

And the shades down

You are easy to ignore

I put you off like an old pair of shoes

I've put You off, but now I need You

Why, this love that never leaves me

Why are You holding me tonight

Can't deny this love that is given me

Why, this love will never leave

You're a good strategy when I need one

An angle when there is none

Like a doormat

That always says welcome

No matter how much dirt I rub on

But when I am tired and run through

Look over this hill, I'm running to You"

Another stage of life...

2007-12-04T21:44:00.000-08:00

Ya know when I first graduated college I had a real difficult time adjusting. While all of my roommates were planning their weddings or were only a year away from doing so, I was doing exactly what I didn't want to do. While in my head I had always imagined I would be doing what they were, instead I would be back home to live with my parents and would be taking a job in St. Louis. My life plans have not gone the way I planned them, but I think that's a good thing because God knows what He's doing. Now, 2 1/2 years after graduating college (boy am I feeling old) another stage of life is happening with my friends...babies. Three of the girls from my Bible study are pregnant. I feel like that's when you can really say you're a grown-up: married with children.

Last time around I easily fell into envy and depression. This time I'm praying that I can simply feel just glad for them and hopeful in the future that God has laid out specifically for me. I feel so out of control with my future, having no real direction and seeing no specific plan. That used to, well let's be honest, probably will soon again scare me. But today, today I'm going to rejoice in the mystery of the workings of my Savior. He knows what He's doing.

You are the potter and I am the clay.

How great the Father's love for us

2007-11-28T21:01:00.001-08:00

I was thinking the other day about how Gregg is always talking about the Bible being God's love story to us (yes Gregg, I actually listen ;) ). If there's one thing that I want to feel more and have a greater understanding of, is God's love for me. Being a single woman of God who has never been in a relationship and if anything, has really experienced little more than heartache in the area of relationships, sometimes I just need to be comforted that I am loved and that there is someone who wants to know me intimately. The other day, God gave me a glimpse of his love story. This hasn't happened in months, or at least, I've been blind to it. The last time was after reading one of my now favorite books, Redeeming Love. The story is a fictional book that takes the story of Hosea and his marriage to a prostitute, and puts it into a more modern setting ( well, modern being the wild west). Regardless of the setting though, the beauty of this book is the journey this prostitute takes from feeling unlovable and unable to love, to able to love not only her husband, but God. More importantly, her love for her husband is inferior to the love she has for her husband. The love that Hosea, her husband, shows her helped me to parallel his love for her with God's love for me. Shane & Shane has a song about this chapter in Hosea (Chapter 2). It is definitely one of my favorite Bible verses and its one of the first places I look when looking for love and comfort. It helps me to better understand the depth of God's love for me.
"Therefore, behold I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt" (Hosea 2:14-15)

But this post isn't about this verse. Its about the most recent love song that God sang to my heart. I was getting ready to go to work the other night and just felt beat down and tired. I have been working a lot lately with little sleep and things at work are crazzzy! I was already feeling so encouraged by God with the trip to Quito working out and already being a witness to my co-workers but God once again knew how to make my heart leap. I picked up the Psalms and just began to read them aloud. Somehow, hearing the words aloud brought me to tears. It was as if I had never heard them before but I had. Some of the verses had been highlighted or were lines in worship songs. How had it meant so much more this time? I think that reading it aloud makes me hear it more, it makes me believe it. I think its easy to read, at least for me, and just do that. Read. I don't think about it or try to feel it. So often I just think "wow, great point or that's something I need to remember"....but I don't. I put my Bible away and with it, I throw away and opportunity to learn and grow.

God's been so good to me these past two weeks and He's reminding me, when I desperately need to be, that He loves me. That He's enough. That humans will disappoint me because, like me, they aren't perfect. He has to be enough. He has to be superior. He wants to allure me.

Miracle of miracles!!!

2007-11-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

Xanga has become a bust as of late, so I'm trying out this whole blogger deal. I told myself I wasn't going to get a new blog just because everyone else was, but xanga is being pushy about paying to go premium so here I am.

So I'm leaving for Quito in a little over a month. I can't believe it and can't hardly wait. Just the journey to getting the "ok" to go from both of my jobs has been such a blessing, that I'm confident the Lord has me going for a reason. I honestly thought that I wouldn't be able to get it all worked out, but that's when got stomps my small expectations and shows me how awesome He is! I first asked me boss at the peds office, since I knew she goes on a ton of mission trips herself. It still wasn't easy though because I had JUST taken vacation the week prior to me asking about this trip. I thought for sure she'd think I was losing it if I thought I was going to take vacation again only 2 months after my last week off. But the Lord is good! She got back to me quickly and encouraged me to go! That gave me the courage to ask off in the NICU. All I needed to really do was get off New Years Day and work the weekend of the 10th so that I could just miss one day of work. Sounds simple, but in a job where we're now filling out our schedules for February and March, it makes it hard to do last minute planning plus we can't just get off on a holiday. Fortunately though God's provision was there. The scheduler called me at work on a day she wasn't even at work because she had been sick, just to support me in what I was doing and went ahead and switched me to the weekend. Now all I needed was to get off the holiday and register. Luckily there was still opportunity to register. I did so without knowing how I was going to get off on the first. Fortunately, God put me in front of the right person at the right time and I was able to work overtime last week to make up for my New Year's shift! GOD IS GOOD! And WOW! I was shocked. So now I'm going. I am still a little stressed about the money but I'm confident that God obviously wants me there so He'll take care of the finances too! I'm amazed at the goodness of God and excited to discover why He has me going on this trip! I can tell you that I'm already seeing the witness this trip is to nonbelievers. Since everyone has found out at work about my going on a mission's trip, I've been able to share my experiences on previous trips and what I'm going to be doing in Ecuador. I know that I can use the trip to continue as a witness too once I return. Right now I'm just praying for preparation for this journey. I'm humbled by this opportunity. I feel so unprepared and so like I'm not good enough to go but God reminds me that He uses the weak in spirit. I pray that I go with His strength and not my own.

To make this past week even better, Mizzou is #1!!! The greatest rivalry game between MU and KU and I Mizzou triumphed! And I got to watch (on tv and not in person unfortunately). I can't believe it! We are so close to the National Championship and to think, we weren't even ranked. I know it sounds crazy, but Mizzou winning helps me to make parallels between it and me being used by God. We can be under the radar all season, and God can still chose us to do incredible things! God is good!!!!

It was great to also see my family this past weekend. Since we may not get to be together Christmas and this was the first year my parents have been in Ohio the holidays seem all the more special. If you told me 3 years ago that it would be my parents in another state and ME in St. Louis I would have laughed in your face! When I was getting ready to graduate nursing school I was one visit to Houston away from moving my entire life to Texas. A place I had never even been to pursue a nursing career at the top cancer hospital in America. I'm sure it would have been a great experience but I am blessed to look back and see just what I've been blessed with by being here in St. Louis. It was a horribly difficult road, especially the first year but God has been gracious and good to me!

Anywho, I was just so encouraged by this week! I hope you are being encouraged by the mighty work of God in your life.