So its 7:34 am.  If you know me at all, you know I'm only up at 7:34 am 1 day a week and that's for work.  I'm not supposed to be at work today, so why am I up?  For most people being up at 7:34 am is normal.   But I'm a night person.  I never go to bed before 1 and if I can help it, I try to avoid being up at 7:34 am.  Maybe its that I'm all caught up on sleep or maybe, maybe its because I have a lot on my mind.  

I'm thinking about fear and honesty.  Both go hand-and-hand yet, one can easily prevent the other from ever existing.  Depending on which you allow to be the master, or choose to be the controlling agent in situations, makes all the difference in your character and life experiences.  If you let fear control you, its quite possible that you will never, if rarely, truly be honest with anyone.  The fear will be so great that you'll live in its shadow, and will forever keep all honest thought so beneath the surface, it may, I believe, completely destroy you.

Then there's honesty.  It has a beauty to its balance and when I think of honesty, it seems to go hand-in-hand in intimacy, in vulnerability, and in love.  But it too can destroy if its not founded in these elements.  For instance, if you are completely honest with people 100% of the time about how you feel, what you think of them, etc. your prejudices and potential false pretenses can completely destroy another's character.  This could lead to either their honesty driven by anger or their hurt pairing with fear; a substance developing a character of self-destruction.

To everything their must be balance.  Have I achieved such equality of weight between my fears and that which I am honest about?  My fears have kept me from doing a lot of potential good and missing out on once-in-a-lifetime opportunities.  Fear has kept me in a little girl state with some of my behaviors.  Fear has often stolen my self-confidence.

Right now though, I'm thinking about the exposing nature of honesty.  I think that its rare that we expose the "whole truth and nothing but the truth" because that could, potentially, leave us completely robbed inside.  But in an intimate relationship, a relationship that should be centered around complete love and trust, shouldn't honesty have nothing but a pure motive attached?  I believe that if we were to be completely honesty and that honesty be purely love-driven, without any trace of pride, we would reach our greatest understanding of Godly love.  Initially their would be bleeding and pain; like pulling up a dirty rug to expose a battered wood floor.  But then, with nurture and care to that floor, its old character would return.  The floor would look and be all that it was intended to be.  We would be the being that God breathed life into and said that it was good.

But for now, I'm feeling like maybe, maybe that's only in a perfect world and my fears and pride are keeping me a battered floor, covered in human flesh--my dirty old rug.  And feeling quite bare for that which I've exposed.

This reminds me of one of my favorite Bethany Dillon songs.  Its lyrics are just, wow:

This house is echoing 

With the sound of You knocking at the door

But with three locks

And the shades down

You are easy to ignore

I put you off like an old pair of shoes

I've put You off, but now I need You

Why, this love that never leaves me

Why are You holding me tonight

Can't deny this love that is given me

Why, this love will never leave

You're a good strategy when I need one

An angle when there is none

Like a doormat

That always says welcome

No matter how much dirt I rub on

But when I am tired and run through

Look over this hill, I'm running to You"