I've been trying to come up with another descriptive way to describe the way I'm feeling right now, other than "a swollen heart," but that is all that seems to come to mind.  I think that I've learned more now that I'm back from Ecuador than when I was there.  Or, rather, maybe I've just for once, put what I've learned into practice.  Well, I'm trying to.  Twice there were talks during my trip about endurance in our Christian walk.  I realized, that that would be where I most often falter.  Not in believing, but in my endurance to keep growing and learning.  I get too comfortable where I am in my faith.  I say I want to be challenged, but then if I'm honest with myself, I see that I keep God at arms-length so that he won't ask me to be or do something different than what I am.  Another question that was presented that keeps coming up in my head is, "how often do you read the Bible....more importantly, how often do you read the Bible and it changes you?".  I realized that I wasn't being changed.  I was letting the words of scripture lay dormant on the page.  I wasn't letting them come to life or even trying to ask myself how the words could apply to me.  I thought I was, but I really wasn't because I wasn't putting my heart where I mentally said I wanted it to be.  I began reading a book called Discipleship by Elizabeth Elliott since I got home.  She brings up some challenging points that are making me realize that I've been quite lazy lately, and that laziness has crept its way into every orifice of my being.  I think that it has been because of the crazy schedule I have, or had at least, over the past couple of years.  When I was in grad school and working two jobs, everything else got thrown to the wayside.  I'm seeing now that it is time I regain ownership of my life....or rather, I need to give it over to God and what I do in my life, be done for His glory and primarily with His purposes in mind.  

Natalie has been gone the past week in Paris.  While it has been lonely at times, it has been good because it has forced me to put into practice what I learned since my trip.  I don't want this to be a mountain top experience, I want it to change me.  I want to not be afraid of what people think and I want to be fearless in sharing the love of Christ with others.  

I love Jesus dangit!  And I'm tired of keeping that a secret from the whole world!  I don't want to be ashamed!