I'm left with an unsettling feeling that who I am isn't good enough anymore. Well, that's how I should always feel though, right? I mean, as Christians we are to to always be looking to attain a character that is more Christ-like. Now this isn't one of those, tell me how good I am kinda posts. No, its a realization that God must be doing something great. That is exciting....and all together, well, scary. If I've been praying for a change, the next step is for me to have the willingness for it to happen. Its one thing for us to talk about being better people: reading our Bible more, giving to the poor, volunteering, praying more, being a better sister, friend, employee, etc. but to do it? That takes courage, a step of faith, and a bit of uneasiness. As I began to share my stories of Ecuador with people, I noticed one of the things I always dropped in conversation was, "I'd move there if I could." I said this rather haphazardly as I knew full well that I wasn't really sure that this was true. I mean, have everyday like Quito '08? Yes, yes that I believe I would love to live day in and day out. But move to Ecuador? Now that isn't necessarily true. Not that it isn't an amazing country, but I realize that moving somewhere like that requires leaving family, friends, my first language and all things comfortable. But, as I began to say it more frequently and evaluate just what I was saying, I realized that maybe I wasn't being as dishonest as I thought. The longer I am back, the more I realize just what a blessing living in Ecuador could be, or at least, to a life I could imagine in my head. Oh to get away from the focus on schedules and time, to hear less about celebrity gossip and how drunk people were this weekend and how "awesome it was", to be around people who really don't care how much you make, who don't know what a Coach bag is, and to eat simply when your hungry and eat what is served rather than getting fat on the next fast food just cause it "sounds good." There is a great collision when I begin to evaluate my American life with the call that I know Jesus placed upon my life. How do I live with myself? How do I change my lifestyle? How do I make this real as opposed to just talk? I'm tired of talk but I'm also soooo scared, if I'm honest, about doing more than just talking. I know that to be used and to seek change, is to be closer to God, to be a more Godly woman and to hear and know my Savior more intimately, but I'm also well aware of how scary that can actually become. I have been thinking about the lyrics to "Take it All" from Hillsong United. Anyone from Quito '08 is well aware of the lyrics. As I began to evaluate them closer, I began to realize that while these lyrics were my prayer, they were definitely not true of my lifestyle:
"I'll only ever give my all" and "I'll never be ashamed of you"
While I wish that both of these statements were true of my life, I know that they just aren't. If I were giving my all, I'd own far less possessions and I'd spend far more time off Facebook and far more time in my Bible and in prayer. And if I weren't ashamed, I would boldly share about my love of Jesus to my coworkers and friends. I'd tell them that Jesus means far more to me than anyone or anything in this world. I'd tell them of my great gift of salvation and grace and I'd plead for them to understand that a sinful life without Christ is certain death. I wouldn't back down. I'd be bold and fearless. This is my goal. This is my prayer. But, this is certainly not true of my life.
When we really and truly begin to look at just what Jesus asks of us, we see that its not easy or comfortable. It doesn't easily fit into an offering basket and it can't be done in one prayer. While our salvation is simply accepting Christ's gift of grace and believing that He is Savior and that He died on the cross for our sins, He asks us to not just to love Him but to love others. God's showing me just how much I miss the mark. I loose my temper too much, I say inappropriate things sometimes and watch and do the wrong things, I don't share His love with people like I should, I don't work everyday like I'm working for Him, I don't go out of my way to help the hurting or the poor, I don't love my enemy as myself, and I'm not always virtuous. As I see these things, my acuity for grace becomes more clear and my desire to be one step closer to these things abounds.
Oh Lord change my heart to be in tune with yours.
"Take my life and form it, take my mind and transform it, take my will and conform it...to yours oh Lord"
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