I'm not doing too good today.  Maybe its just that I'm tired.  I don't think that's it though.  Let's be honest.  I've not been doing well over the last week.  But today, today I got to the point where I felt like my insides were screaming out to people for help but the fall on deaf ears.  I can't express how I'm feeling.  I just know that when I start to think about my situation my breathing goes into panic speed.  I know it shouldn't be a big deal but it is.  Finding an apartment in a few short 2 weeks is a HUGE deal.  Its making a gigantic decision on where to live for the next year.  Another year of life decided.  I hate contracts and commitments.  Especially when they lock in another 12 months of going at life alone.  I know I'm not alone and alone, but it feels that way.  I dealt with the feeling of loneliness with the hope that it would go away in time--that it was just temporary.  I'm starting to feel like this is the beginning of the future for me and its time to just except that I will always be alone, I will never own a home of my own and I will always live with debt and little savings.  I know...its very Debbie downer of me to say.  I'm sorry.  I'm venting.  I'm being honest.  I've been wanting to go to God with my troubles but I've been just so dumbfounded by all of this, that I just haven't known how.  Today I finally broke down while driving around town.  I turned off the music in my car and for a moment sat in silence.  I tried to pray but the words couldn't come out.  I couldn't start.  When I got ready to speak, the tears of distress took over and my words were barely audible.  I just keep thinking of the verse in Romans about Jesus interceding for us with words we cannot express.  That verse is probably one of the key verses that I live by.  Sometimes I just cannot get out what I'm feeling.  My peace comes in knowing that Jesus can speak on my behalf.  He knows my heart and He can speak my prayer when I am all out of energy, when I'm all out of hope.  He has to be my hope and my strength.  I am useless and weak without Him.  Jesus I feel alone.  Jesus I feel scared.  Jesus I don't see your purpose in all of this.  I don't want to doubt and I don't want to be bitter or angry.  I don't want to take out my fears on others.  I don't want to let my sadness take over.  I can't just not do this without you.  I can't do this.  I am out of strength.  Speak on my behalf and give me the strength I can't muster myself.  

What does this mean?

I'm left with an unsettling feeling that who I am isn't good enough anymore.  Well, that's how I should always feel though, right?  I mean, as Christians we are to to always be looking to attain a character that is more Christ-like.  Now this isn't one of those, tell me how good I am kinda posts.  No, its a realization that God must be doing something great.  That is exciting....and all together, well, scary.  If I've been praying for a change, the next step is for me to have the willingness for it to happen.  Its one thing for us to talk about being better people: reading our Bible more, giving to the poor, volunteering, praying more, being a better sister, friend, employee, etc. but to do it?  That takes courage, a step of faith, and a bit of uneasiness.  As I began to share my stories of Ecuador with people, I noticed one of the things I always dropped in conversation was, "I'd move there if I could."  I said this rather haphazardly as I knew full well that I wasn't really sure that this was true.  I mean, have everyday like Quito '08?  Yes, yes that I believe I would love to live day in and day out.  But move to Ecuador?  Now that isn't necessarily true.  Not that it isn't an amazing country, but I realize that moving somewhere like that requires leaving family, friends, my first language and all things comfortable.  But, as I began to say it more frequently and evaluate just what I was saying, I realized that maybe I wasn't being as dishonest as I thought.  The longer I am back, the more I realize just what a blessing living in Ecuador could be, or at least, to a life I could imagine in my head.  Oh to get away from the focus on schedules and time, to hear less about celebrity gossip and how drunk people were this weekend and how "awesome it was", to be around people who really don't care how much you make, who don't know what a Coach bag is, and to eat simply when your hungry and eat what is served rather than getting fat on the next fast food just cause it "sounds good."  There is a great collision when I begin to evaluate my American life with the call that I know Jesus placed upon my life.  How do I live with myself?  How do I change my lifestyle?  How do I make this real as opposed to just talk?  I'm tired of talk but I'm also soooo scared, if I'm honest, about doing more than just talking.  I know that to be used and to seek change, is to be closer to God, to be a more Godly woman and to hear and know my Savior more intimately, but I'm also well aware of how scary that can actually become.  I have been thinking about the lyrics to "Take it All" from Hillsong United.  Anyone from Quito '08 is well aware of the lyrics.  As I began to evaluate them closer, I began to realize that while these lyrics were my prayer, they were definitely not true of my lifestyle:

"I'll only ever give my all" and "I'll never be ashamed of you"

While I wish that both of these statements were true of my life, I know that they just aren't.  If I were giving my all, I'd own far less possessions and I'd spend far more time off Facebook and far more time in my Bible and in prayer.  And if I weren't ashamed, I would boldly share about my love of Jesus to my coworkers and friends.  I'd tell them that Jesus means far more to me than anyone or anything in this world.  I'd tell them of my great gift of salvation and grace and I'd plead for them to understand that a sinful life without Christ is certain death.  I wouldn't back down.  I'd be bold and fearless.   This is my goal.  This is my prayer.  But, this is certainly not true of my life. 

When we really and truly begin to look at just what Jesus asks of us, we see that its not easy or comfortable.  It doesn't easily fit into an offering basket and it can't be done in one prayer.  While our salvation is simply accepting Christ's gift of grace and believing that He is Savior and that He died on the cross for our sins, He asks us to not just to love Him but to love others.  God's showing me just how much I miss the mark.  I loose my temper too much, I say inappropriate things sometimes and watch and do the wrong things, I don't share His love with people like I should, I don't work everyday like I'm working for Him, I don't go out of my way to help the hurting or the poor, I don't love my enemy as myself, and I'm not always virtuous.  As I see these things, my acuity for grace becomes more clear and my desire to be one step closer to these things abounds.  

Oh Lord change my heart to be in tune with yours. 

 "Take my life and form it, take my mind and transform it, take my will and conform it...to yours oh Lord"

I've been trying to come up with another descriptive way to describe the way I'm feeling right now, other than "a swollen heart," but that is all that seems to come to mind.  I think that I've learned more now that I'm back from Ecuador than when I was there.  Or, rather, maybe I've just for once, put what I've learned into practice.  Well, I'm trying to.  Twice there were talks during my trip about endurance in our Christian walk.  I realized, that that would be where I most often falter.  Not in believing, but in my endurance to keep growing and learning.  I get too comfortable where I am in my faith.  I say I want to be challenged, but then if I'm honest with myself, I see that I keep God at arms-length so that he won't ask me to be or do something different than what I am.  Another question that was presented that keeps coming up in my head is, "how often do you read the Bible....more importantly, how often do you read the Bible and it changes you?".  I realized that I wasn't being changed.  I was letting the words of scripture lay dormant on the page.  I wasn't letting them come to life or even trying to ask myself how the words could apply to me.  I thought I was, but I really wasn't because I wasn't putting my heart where I mentally said I wanted it to be.  I began reading a book called Discipleship by Elizabeth Elliott since I got home.  She brings up some challenging points that are making me realize that I've been quite lazy lately, and that laziness has crept its way into every orifice of my being.  I think that it has been because of the crazy schedule I have, or had at least, over the past couple of years.  When I was in grad school and working two jobs, everything else got thrown to the wayside.  I'm seeing now that it is time I regain ownership of my life....or rather, I need to give it over to God and what I do in my life, be done for His glory and primarily with His purposes in mind.  

Natalie has been gone the past week in Paris.  While it has been lonely at times, it has been good because it has forced me to put into practice what I learned since my trip.  I don't want this to be a mountain top experience, I want it to change me.  I want to not be afraid of what people think and I want to be fearless in sharing the love of Christ with others.  

I love Jesus dangit!  And I'm tired of keeping that a secret from the whole world!  I don't want to be ashamed!

Caution: Exploding Heart

Love LOVE LOVE this song!  We sang it in Ecuador and it's just been in my heart and on my mind since.  Once in awhile a song just speaks the words your heart can't seem to mutter.  My trip to Ecuador renewed my love for my Savior.  In the chaos of this world its easy to lose sight of our purpose.  The kingdom of God is beautiful and strong when brothers and sisters work in tandem for the glory of His name!   Came To The Rescue by Hillsong United album:

Falling on my knees in worship Giving all I am to seek Your face Lord all I am is Yours My whole life I place in Your hands God of mercy Humbled I bow down In Your presence at Your throne I called You answered And You came to my rescue and I I wanna be where You are In my life Be lifted high In our world Be lifted high In our love Be lifted high

So its 7:34 am.  If you know me at all, you know I'm only up at 7:34 am 1 day a week and that's for work.  I'm not supposed to be at work today, so why am I up?  For most people being up at 7:34 am is normal.   But I'm a night person.  I never go to bed before 1 and if I can help it, I try to avoid being up at 7:34 am.  Maybe its that I'm all caught up on sleep or maybe, maybe its because I have a lot on my mind.  

I'm thinking about fear and honesty.  Both go hand-and-hand yet, one can easily prevent the other from ever existing.  Depending on which you allow to be the master, or choose to be the controlling agent in situations, makes all the difference in your character and life experiences.  If you let fear control you, its quite possible that you will never, if rarely, truly be honest with anyone.  The fear will be so great that you'll live in its shadow, and will forever keep all honest thought so beneath the surface, it may, I believe, completely destroy you.

Then there's honesty.  It has a beauty to its balance and when I think of honesty, it seems to go hand-in-hand in intimacy, in vulnerability, and in love.  But it too can destroy if its not founded in these elements.  For instance, if you are completely honest with people 100% of the time about how you feel, what you think of them, etc. your prejudices and potential false pretenses can completely destroy another's character.  This could lead to either their honesty driven by anger or their hurt pairing with fear; a substance developing a character of self-destruction.

To everything their must be balance.  Have I achieved such equality of weight between my fears and that which I am honest about?  My fears have kept me from doing a lot of potential good and missing out on once-in-a-lifetime opportunities.  Fear has kept me in a little girl state with some of my behaviors.  Fear has often stolen my self-confidence.

Right now though, I'm thinking about the exposing nature of honesty.  I think that its rare that we expose the "whole truth and nothing but the truth" because that could, potentially, leave us completely robbed inside.  But in an intimate relationship, a relationship that should be centered around complete love and trust, shouldn't honesty have nothing but a pure motive attached?  I believe that if we were to be completely honesty and that honesty be purely love-driven, without any trace of pride, we would reach our greatest understanding of Godly love.  Initially their would be bleeding and pain; like pulling up a dirty rug to expose a battered wood floor.  But then, with nurture and care to that floor, its old character would return.  The floor would look and be all that it was intended to be.  We would be the being that God breathed life into and said that it was good.

But for now, I'm feeling like maybe, maybe that's only in a perfect world and my fears and pride are keeping me a battered floor, covered in human flesh--my dirty old rug.  And feeling quite bare for that which I've exposed.

This reminds me of one of my favorite Bethany Dillon songs.  Its lyrics are just, wow:

This house is echoing 

With the sound of You knocking at the door

But with three locks

And the shades down

You are easy to ignore

I put you off like an old pair of shoes

I've put You off, but now I need You

Why, this love that never leaves me

Why are You holding me tonight

Can't deny this love that is given me

Why, this love will never leave

You're a good strategy when I need one

An angle when there is none

Like a doormat

That always says welcome

No matter how much dirt I rub on

But when I am tired and run through

Look over this hill, I'm running to You"

Another stage of life...

Ya know when I first graduated college I had a real difficult time adjusting.  While all of my roommates were planning their weddings or were only a year away from doing so, I was doing exactly what I didn't want to do.  While in my head I had always imagined I would be doing what they were, instead I would be back home to live with my parents and would be taking a job in St. Louis.  My life plans have not gone the way I planned them, but I think that's a good thing because God knows what He's doing.  Now, 2 1/2 years after graduating college (boy am I feeling old) another stage of life is happening with my friends...babies.  Three of the girls from my Bible study are pregnant.  I feel like that's when you can really say you're a grown-up: married with children.  

Last time around I easily fell into envy and depression.  This time I'm praying that I can simply feel just glad for them and hopeful in the future that God has laid out specifically for me.  I feel so out of control with my future, having no real direction and seeing no specific plan.  That used to, well let's be honest, probably will soon again scare me.  But today, today I'm going to rejoice in the mystery of the workings of my Savior.  He knows what He's doing.

You are the potter and I am the clay.